It was me. There, are you happy? I did it and I’m sorry. OK? I was twelve and after everybody went to bed I got up and I ate your damn cookies. The cookies were dry so I drank the milk too. After that I never got another gift from you.
I send you this dang list every year and you have ignored it every year. That’s not very cool Santa. I mean, sure, I’ll admit to not being the best boy ALL the time but come on! At least I try and sure I ate the cookies but I was freaking TWELVE at the time! Nearly 30 years of nothing? No return note… no lump of coal… nothing. If I had known those cookies were that dang precious to you I wouldn’t have eaten them. If I had known you’d treat me to a lifetime of abuse, I’d have got my own cookies. I thought you’d understand. I was hungry! Ok? I mean, you fly around in that deathtrap pulled by hopped up whitetails and get cookies at every house. It’s not like I was starving you or anything? You know how poor we were. You know we only got sweets a couple of times a year. You’re supposed to be the kind, giving soul and yet you hold a 30 year grudge against a twelve year old? Look, I know you had probably gotten the tofu cookies from Mrs Brown down the road a ways and were still mad about that but I’ve got a newsflash for you pops. She gave those cookies to everybody. Church picnic’s, school bake sales, weddings, halloween, birthdays, funerals, you name it… she showed up with those horrid tofu monstrosities and you just HAD to eat one in front of her or Mama would make you sorry later. We ALL had to do it… you weren’t special. Did you know that Mama actually told me you weren’t real over that whole cookie incident? You were like some kind of deadbeat dad whose ex-wife tells his kids that he “died”. She obviously had problems dealing with your attitude too.
Anyway, this year I’m going to put the list out on the Internet so that you can find it easier. That way, if you “forget” what was on the list you can use your iPhone to look it up on the way. If you don’t have an iPhone don’t worry, there’s one in that bag of yours somewhere. I mean, I’m sure it’s not for me or anything and I’m sure that twelve year old Nancy Really Really Really Really needs it so that she can update her Twitter while she’s on the school bus. But that’s cool. It’s not on my list anyway, I’m just reminding you that you have one…
Anyway, here’s the list:
I want one with a wood stock not that cheap synthetic stuff and I don’t want one of those flashy silver/stainless steel sniper wanna-be bling barrels on it either. Just a plain old gun. Blued barrel, wood stock should be pretty easy to do. Should be a .270 Winchester (or Weatherby if you’re feeling particularly kind).
I’m not too picky with this one. I just want something that takes pictures of deer. It doesn’t have to be all IR/Night Vision capable (although that would be kinda cool). Just a digital camera with a flash will work. Oh, and a display screen inside it so that I can review the pictures right there without having to take the CF Card back to the house. Don’t forget the batteries. I know the one you were planning to bring me has chargeable batteries but heck, I’ll want to play with it right away. Oh, and a chain and lock for it because, well, honestly Santa that whole bribing kids to be good thing you had going… it’s not working out for us any more.
I lost my knife last year. The one that I’ve had for about 8 years. I want another one, just like the one I had. You remember, it’s the one that bought for $30 and then had to FedEx from the airport that time I forgot to pack it? I know it was silly to pay $40 to FedEx a $30 knife halfway across the country but I really liked it. I don’t want one with one of those gangsta serrated edge blades… the odds of me having to cut my way out of a burning vehicle with it are really pretty small so let’s just keep with the standard blade. Besides, my dive knife has a serrated edge on it so if I ever have to cut my way out of a burning vehicle while scuba diving I’m good. Just a standard folding knife with a 4 1/2 inch blade.
Look, I know I haven’t been flying in a while but I’m still stuck on it and as soon as I get the money flowing again I’m going to get back into it. You bringing me an ultralight would really move that process along.
Well, that’s it really. As you can see, I kept the list to things that I really need this year. Hopefully, you’ll accept my apology this time and help me out. Oh, and before you ask, yes I appologized to my brother for blaming him in the Cookie incident. He was really innocent on that one; slept through the whole thing. I checked and he hasn’t gotten anything from you since he was 11 so… yeah… sorry about that.
I’m also sorry about that “chocolate” thing when I was 14. I was mad about you not bringing me anything for the previous two years but still stopping by to eat my cookies and things might have got out of hand. It was all in good fun though. Honestly. You remember? That was the year that Dad got real sick and spent the whole of Christmas day in the bathroom. By the way, you might want to look into that one… I’m just sayin…