My Love

An open letter to the love of my life.  I have long wanted to be able to express these things to her but am unable. I do pretty well sharing on the blog so ya’ll get a free pass for this one.

My Love,

I was thinking last night that I’ve been sending emails to (it seems like) everyone expressing how much I love them this Christmas season and hadn’t bothered to tell you. Of course, I get to tell you every day that I love you but… somehow, it never seems to be enough.

I write well, I communicate less well in person. I get that. I don’t know how to fix it other than to say “I love you” as many times a day as I can so I try that. Still… “I love you” doesn’t really express what I feel for you.

You are my life. My breath. My soul. I tell you that I love you every day and I try to show it in every action but sometimes I feel like it’s not enough. I see you in disbelief. I see you struggle with how someone could love you as much as I do and I think, “How could anyone not?” You are my friend, my lover, my wife and yet… you are more than that to me. I can’t express it, even in writing.

I have loved you from the first moment that I saw you through the window at the shooting range as you played solitaire at Pop’s desk. I was with Daniel that day and I asked him who you were. I loved you that day because I thought you were the most beautiful and perfect woman that I had ever seen. As I grew to know you, as we worked together and had fun together, I loved you because you were smart and capable and fun. Later, I loved you because you have a loving and caring spirit about you. Because you rescue animals and bring them home. Because you saved me from myself. Because you do more than your fair share of work around the house. Because you take care of me every day and in every way. Because you are careful and thoughtful in life. I love you still because you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.

I say sometimes that I would be nothing without you and it is true in so many ways. We have what we do because I have spent my life trying to make you happy. I want more so that I can give you more. I want… I just want for you to be happy in all things. That is not slander. I would be so much less without that dedication and drive. This too you have given me not as a chore but as a gift.

For the last month we have been writing to friends with advice. To be able to share with others my complete love for you has been refreshing and, to a large degree, enlightening. In order to share it properly I have had to understand it more than I ever have. As I thought about how much I love being married to you I wanted to share that with them. To give them the same chance at happiness that I have had. They are not like us and will never be but my vain hope is that someday, somewhere, they will be as happy as I am in life.

I have loved you for every little thing that you are and for all of those things together. I will always love you.

Last week I was talking with Nathan about days that we would like to live through again. In that conversation I said, “If I could relive any time in my life it would be the last month. I am more happy now than I have ever been. God has been good to me.”

That’s what “I love you” means when I throw it at you several times a day every day. That’s what “let’s get naked” means. That’s what all of the other goofy things that I say mean.  I’m truly sorry that I can’t express this better with words. I am sorry that I am unable to whisper these things to you as i hold you. Maybe what I’m trying to say with “I love you” is really simply, “thank you.” Thank you for loving me and yes, thank you for rescuing animals from the gas station… Thank you for all that you are.

I love you.