There are reports this morning that Taliban second in command Abdul Ghani Baradar has been captured. It remains unclear as to whether the terror leader was read his rights. We suspect that the following version of Miranda would have been appropriate. It’s a bit longer than normal but should cover most of the bases:
You have the right to remain silent and the president of the United States of America, Barack Hussein Obama, recommends that you exercise this right immediately. However, if you do not, we have a specific non-existent High Value Prisoner team who will remind you of this right if they ever find the time to organize themselves. Until then you may find yourself in the custody of several organizations to include (but not limited to) the CIA, the FBI, the United States Army, the DEA, the ATF, the FAA, the Air Marshalls and/or our good friends the Pakistani Government. Allahu Akbar
Anything you say can (but probably won’t) be used against you in a court of law (that court of law to be determined according to political expedients currently in force at the time of attempted prosecution). Allahu Akbar
You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney because we found and confiscated millions of US Dollars at your place of habitation, one will be appointed to you. The attorney that we provide will make millions over the course of your multi-year preparation and trial. This will be in stark contrast to the low wage and/or pro-bono defense that actual American citizens receive. Allahu Akbar
You have the right to a High Visibility Trial in the Continental United States of America (CONUS). It is highly recommend that you consult with your attorney and determine an appropriate set of rhetoric to be spewed in outbursts during trial should this occur. If you choose to exercise this right it will mean that you will be housed in substandard American prisons rather than much more comfortable quarters at GITMO. Allahu Akbar
Do you understand these rights as they have been read to you? If not, we can provide translation to 123 non-English languages or dialects thereof.
Allahu Akbar
Did I miss anything?
Remember: flag@whitehouse.gov is your friend.